For many years I dreaded the moment that the magical world of Santa Claus would come crashing down. I wanted to hold onto this little slice of magic for as long as possible, because in my mind, the fun of Christmas would diminish without full-blown believers. But as the years wore on, I found myself gradually more and more ready for my two boys to awaken to the reality of Christmas morning. As they got older and more savvy, the façade became harder to hold steady. Instead of simply enjoying the magic with kids, the stress of keeping such a big secret hidden from them became increasingly burdensome.

As I stood in my front hall waiting for Kelly to pick me up for our first rehearsal, I checked my bag for everything I might need- water bottle, pencil, chapstick- and I could feel myself recoiling at the uncomfortable feelings of trying something new. We were leaving a bit early because rehearsals were to take place at the local high school and we had never been inside it before. What kind of people were in a community choir anyway?

It’s embarrassing to think of all the years of energy that has gone into this insecurity of mine. Literally just last month I bought a black-head zapper off a random Instagram ad from a totally bogus website in the UK that had all sorts of youtube videos claiming its success. I used it once and it left my skin red, bruised and far worse looking than before. But before that, this silly little product held all my hopes and dreams! Hook, line and sinker.

As Olympian Lindsey Vonn embarks on her comeback, one I am following closely and have admittedly questioned, I see with fresh eyes her desire for another chance. She and I are the same age, born in 1984, and we raced against each other at times. She had dreams, just the same as I did. Maybe her comeback is driven by an insatiable need for adrenaline or she has a record she thinks she deserves or she believes she should have another Olympic medal (I’m guessing it’s this one, but that’s total speculation), or she simply wants to erase the disappointment and sadness she undoubtedly felt (still feels?) after having to end her career before she was ready.

I found myself standing on the top of the Eiffel Tower on my 40th birthday in November of 2024. As I relished the moment alone, I began reflecting on forty years of life lived and especially my decision to venture off my conventional path and onto the alternative. This completely new life path has brought me to a lot of joy and places I never imagined, but also a steady stream of persistent yet hidden, fear and uncertainty. Where was I going?

Six years ago, I was told by a pst-life channelor that I would someday be able to channel spirits if I wanted to. To which I said, "Come again now?!?" At the time I was working full-time as the Chief Operating Officer for my family's real estate development company, juggling life's demands (not especially well), and feeling like being busy was a norm I would never see the end of. I was an achiever, not an ‘over-achiever’ but a highly motivated, strong-willed, aspiring leader who always held the highest standards for myself and those around me. I loved my job. It was fulfilling and making me more and more money.

The other day we were enjoying the last bits of summer with a swim at my parent’s pond. We had planned to meet my sister and her family there, but they hadn’t arrived yet.  As I’m sitting there watching the boys play and enjoying the beautiful day, my niece comes running down in tears. 

“I forgot my swimsuit!”